Monday, October 6, 2008

Just another four-letter word

D-I-E-T. Four letters that rule our lives.

I have been "on a diet" for most of my adult life. As I've shared before, I've counted carbs, calories, fat grams, measured portion sizes, and tortured myself on the scale. I've kept meticulous records and scolded myself for "failing" when the numbers showed I wasn't "doing it right."

Study after study proves that diets don't work, yet we cling to them as our very salvation. If we could just find the right plan, the right system, we could follow it and be freed from fatness. Our redemption must lie in the proper combination of food and activity, right? It's just so simple. Calories in must not exceed calories out. How simple. Any idiot can do the math. We are just lazy, gluttonous slobs. We can't manage our passions. Food is our god. If only we could follow the Magic Diet well, we would demonstrate prudence, temperance, self-control, and every other fruit of the Spirit.

Is that really the truth?

I am at the point, again, where I'm not sure if I should ask for encouragement as I go back on a diet or ask for encouragement to abandon them completely. My latest experiment with getting rid of the scale has been enlightening. It migrated back to the bathroom last week, and I immediately noticed a change (for the worse) in my mood. I went right back to it, seeking its approval and feeling dismal when it revealed my weight was up a couple pounds. I have since asked my husband to remove it again, and already feel lighter.

So now I'm contemplating dieting again, seeking that elusive eating style that will perfect me. But a part of me is starting to develop a voice, a part that shouts NO!
I am tired of the deprivation, the setting myself apart. I am tired of the endless counting and measuring. I am tired of the obsession.

But I still want to be thin.

This division of my heart is painful, and I'm praying for grace. I need grace to see that God has a plan for me that does not include obsession, vanity and a quest for impossible physical perfection. This grace is available to me, I'm certain. I'm just trying to unlock the secret, the secret of balance and peace.

I'm feeling it does not include any four letter words.

1 comment:

Mary Poppins NOT said...

I followed you from a comment you left at my blog. This is fabulous and helpful to me. I could go on and on about why I need to read this entire blog, but suffice it to say I appreciate your words of wisdom and compassion. I know I have a problem when the gift of new life I was given with this late in life pregnancy is dimmed by my fear of getting fatter.

I'll definitely be back!